Funerals Invite Evangelization of Your Family
Mark S. Roberti, Director of Stewardship
Heartland Parishes of Ellis County
In practically every Catholic family today there are members who are away from the Church. Sometimes they are as close as children, grandchildren, siblings, nephews, and nieces. Funerals are especially fruitful times of evangelization within our own families. Though you may be the person in the casket, your death – and more particularly, the way you lived your life – may speak volumes to loved ones. Likewise, you may be alive and well, a relative or friend who knows and can share unknown details of the life of the decedent.
Focused time between the death of a loved one and the funeral is a window that provides us with a wonderful and powerful opportunity to evangelize our own family members, through gentle words, kind actions, embraces, and affectionate stories of the decedent’s life. The graces which often flow from a funeral (even a particularly difficult funeral) are truly a blessing that should not be squandered.
The death of a loved relative causes us to realize that most of our preoccupations and concerns in life are of passing value. When a person close to us dies, we are challenged with heartfelt questions as to the very purpose of life…both of the decedent and that of our own. We come to grips with our deepest emotions. Death is real. The pain we feel in our hearts --trying to burst out of our chests -- is love. As much as it hurts, it is a beautiful pain flowing from the very depths of who we are.
Death helps family members and friends see the presence of God at this time in their lives. They instinctively reach out to, and hope in, God. When the priest or deacon is alone with the family, it is a unique, grace-filled opportunity, to share memories of your loved one with other family members.
Between the death of your loved one and the funeral, consider bringing as many members of the extended family together at one time as is possible. If friends have brought food, have a little pot-luck of what has been prepared. If not, consider ordering out. Maybe, you feel more comfortable cooking a family meal yourself. The important thing is to be together in one place to share stories.
Children of all ages learn best not when adults are talking to them, but when they listen in on the conversation of their elders. That night, they will hear stories that they have never heard before. These stories will send their own important message as to the significance of re-told events. Stories of the elders about the elders when they were young have a very therapeutic effect. Younger family members come to appreciate that their elders were young once too, and often full of life! They grew up imperfect in an imperfect environment. They did what they could do to compensate. Their lives have been blessings to us all, as are the stories that will be shared that night.
Hearing real life stories about these figures when they were young, the mischievous circumstances they got themselves into, the pranks they played, helps the younger members of the family reassess the wisdom and importance of their own lives and instructs them in how to live in a manner that balances both fun and responsible actions. It also presents the elders as more human and loveable.
When sharing these stories, start with relatives and friends who have known the deceased the longest. What was it like growing up with (deceased’s name)? Where did you both live? What did you do? What type of work were you required to do? What did you do for fun? How did you pray? How did you play? What were the struggles and the joys of the decedent’s life? These stories need to be told and honored. Talk about courtships, marriage, childbirth and child bearing.
Have the decedent’s children tell about their memories of their parents and each other. Often, some fascinating memories come to light…things that have not been thought of for many years. Uncles and aunts, brothers and sisters, likewise often have great stories, funny stories, and sad stories where suffering played a part in the decedent’s formation. Grandchildren, too, and nephews and nieces need to tell their stories. These stories always seem to cross generational lines and help re-bond families. Typically, there are both laughter and tears. Let them come. Rejoice in both. Hug each other. Hold hands.
This process has very special fruits. At the wake service and/or funeral liturgy, usually the priest, deacon, or family members will share some of these stories. Family members may sense the presence and power of God in the life of the deceased loved one and family members. They will see how trials and sufferings played a part in the decedent’s live and helped refine and mold that person into who he/she ultimately became. They may come to understand, God allows suffering for the greater good.
The wake service and Funeral Liturgy are solemn and sad event, but they are also times for celebration and thanksgiving for the life of the decedent. There is no contradiction in this. As Catholics, we believe in Purgatory. It is a grace. We fully believe we can aid our loved ones in this journey to eternity. They can also help us by their petitions and intercession with God for us. Our loved ones are eternally grateful to us for our prayers. They would rather have our prayers than our effort to pre-canonize them as saints before God calls them to be fully one with Him for all eternity.
“As we pray, so we believe.” At the death of a loved one, other members of our family and friends will see our deep-seeded faith and trust in God. They may begin to understand that it is through our faith and trust in Jesus, that we can be filled with joy in a time of sorrow.
If any family members who are inactive in our faith seem to be reflecting on such things as past church experiences, their days in Catholic school or CCD, or just reflecting on the purpose of life, this is the time to invite them back. If they have questions, try to answer them. If you don’t know the answers tell them you will find out and talk to someone who can answer the questions directly or suggest materials that may help.
Eternal life is that which we seek…for ourselves and for our loved ones.